One semester.

I don't know where to start.  This isn't going to be long, I'm just going to do a quick update.  I just heard from a great old friend and all it did was start me sobbing.  I'm back in that space where I think "I hate my life" and the next thought isn't immediately "Oh God, stop being melodramatic". 

Lets just say, Stony Brook hasn't exactly been a dream.  I have friends, don't get me wrong, good friends, great friends.  But I've been to one party this year so far, ONE.  Other than Halloween which sucked (besides our costumes) and the one had 7 people. And those 7 are the total of who I know.  It's like I can't get anything right. 

Everyday I wake up, and can barely get out of bed, in fact, most days I don't.  Instead, I sit around and watch TV, because if I'm not occupying my brain, I'm crying.  I'm still pining for a purpose, for a task, for something to be good at, and I can't seem to get my life together without that.  I don't remember that last time I genuinely smiled.  My back is killing me all the time, and I'm so weak my walk to classes tires me out when I even go.  

I'm going to start piano again next semester, or at least I say I will, but who knows.  I need to be doing something, I just have NO idea what.  

Somehow, no matter how many fresh chances I get, I can't seem to get it right.  

I wish I knew what I was doing wrong all the time, I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to throw up.  
I haven't felt this bad since junior year of high-school.
I'm not trying to worry any-one, in fact, there's nothing to worry about.  I learned that lesson a long time ago.  

This is just a quick update cause I have so few friends I realized I need to keep in touch with my old ones.  And I'm tired of telling the same thing over and over again.  

I'll get it right eventually, I just wish one thing could be right. My health, Jeston, my school, my friends, my fun, just one.  

I was trying to think of the last time I was happy, for more than a couple weeks at a time and on vacation, and I realized it's been three years, three long long years.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  

More later.  Sorry it's been so long.  

Yuba

Today was hectic, waking at 6:30, going to my sisters to shove everything ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I own into two cars, and then driving to sacramento. 15 minutes with Liva, 30 minutes with Kaitlyn, Millet Burger at the BEST RESTAURANT EVER Sunflower Drive In, drive to Nevada City, then Craft store (had to grab something for a swap on Craftster.org), local wifi cafe (forgot the address for sending on the Craftster swap) then post office and then finally... FINALLY! the Yuba River... and I got to plunge my entire body into that heavy, cool, dark, green water, and suddenly, feel human again for the first time in I don't know how long. Now, my entire body hurts from hitting it seems every part of my body on a different hot and glorious granite boulder, and I'm going to have more bruises than I can count, but it was worth it... it was worth EVERY BRUISE AND BUMP, it was worth all the bruises in the world after that first plunge, feeling the water close over my head.

The Yuba is a wonderland. Cool green pools surrounded by huge white granite boulders and separated by rapids that look tame, but watch your step! J and I were at the CA-49 Bridge (click here to read his account of it... it was his first time), one of my favorite spots just because there's a place slightly upriver of the bridge where the smooth granite make tunnels and slides, and you can float on the current underneath boulders so big you feel like an ant.  

We also played with the flat river rocks, building towers and balancing them on their points (more on this tomorrow).  

Now I'm at Kurt's until saturday.  One more day of river bliss (plus I get to see my chiropractor, a.k.a back-guru a.k.a the-man-who-always-made-all-my-booboos-go-away tomorrow!) and then one day of intense all day packing.  

I'm also trying to reach out to my father, (in case you're confused, Kurt is my father, and for reason's we don't need to go into now I've never called him anything but Kurt) and get to know him for the first time ever... and I really mean EVER.  This should be an interesting few days.  

J started a blog today, I hope he can keep it up! I love reading what he writes, particularly when it's about a day or event I was with him for.  Go check it out!  

www.aconstantradio.blogspot.com

J, so charming

J, the charmer that he is, said recently (after eating something that made his stomach frequently expel large and smelly amounts of methane) “I’m sorry, it appears that I am breeding a sulpher baby in my ass”

I have so much to do in the next couple weeks, I will certainly not be writing too much... but I'll do what I can...

I can't believe how soon I'm leaving for NY.

Rippling Muscles

I love watching the olympics.  My favorites are Gymnastics, Diving, and of course Swimming.  I love watching their bodies.  All of these Olympians have the most amazing bodies, firm and toned and every muscle rippling, but my fascination is beyond that.  My biggest amazement is with the difference in the body types.  The shoulders of the swimmers, the legs of the female gymnasts, the upper arms of the male gymnasts, the chests of the shot-putters.  

Also, how the hell did someone look at a horizontal bar and think, "I bet, if I train my body till it's completely abnormal, and trained to the hardest it possibly can be, I can fling my whole body around in death defying twists" 

Now, back to watching the amazing Nastia Liukin.  

Shell Beach

Is wonderful.  I can't think of many places I love more.  Unfortunately it just left me MORE sunburned.  Vacationing is so nice, good food with no thoughts of weight, sitting in the sun and sand for hours without thought of things to do tomorrow...

I'm going to sleep on account of spending all day in the water and the sun. I love Point Reyes.  

Some obligatory pictures:

Fluffy sunset... that's the only way I can explain it.  
We played Scrabble.  

And my favorite picture of J EVER.  

My new favorite thing.

This sign in San Francisco. 

What is a "Paint Research Laboratory" what goes on there, and if you are a "Paint Research Laboratory" can't you repaint your own sign?

Plans changed, and I'm staying in Point Reyes with J until wednesday.  This is both good, and well, interesting.  My mom and J have not really spent any time together in the past, and so this will be exactly that... interesting.  At least I got to spend all day at Drakes Beach today, with sun and surf... me and J stayed in the (freezing) water for over 30 minutes riding the waves and splashing each other, then spent the rest of the time soaking in some sun.  Even J, who is whiter than a ghost took off his shirt and got a little color.  Hopefully we'll get to go to the bay tomorrow where it's supposedly warm enough to swim laps.  

One more terribly scary thing that happened today, for a whole bunch of reasons that I will go into soon, my father (and if you know me you know that my father and I don't exactly have the best relationship) is going to take me and J to college.  Whoa.  

Now I need to go sleep off my bright red sunburn.  

The last and next few weeks.

I hate moving.  I've moved about 6 times in the last 1 1/2 years.  I moved again today, but not to anywhere, just putting everything I own in two cars.  I'm at my mom's now, then camping, then my sisters and a few more days of work, then my dad's, and then J's, and then fly to NY.  Not a minutes rest for me and I'm already stressed to the bone.  I'm leaving my home, my city, my coast, my family, the few friends I have, going to NY, to college (which did NOT work out so well last time) and J and I aren't even doing too well.  

All in all, not a very good few weeks.  And the forecast is not looking too bright for the future either.  Hopefully camping will help.  Cool fresh water, sun, trees and mountains, and a little bit of privacy with J for the first time in about 8 months.  

I'll write when I can.