One semester.

I don't know where to start.  This isn't going to be long, I'm just going to do a quick update.  I just heard from a great old friend and all it did was start me sobbing.  I'm back in that space where I think "I hate my life" and the next thought isn't immediately "Oh God, stop being melodramatic". 

Lets just say, Stony Brook hasn't exactly been a dream.  I have friends, don't get me wrong, good friends, great friends.  But I've been to one party this year so far, ONE.  Other than Halloween which sucked (besides our costumes) and the one had 7 people. And those 7 are the total of who I know.  It's like I can't get anything right. 
Everyday I wake up, and can barely get out of bed, in fact, most days I don't.  Instead, I sit around and watch TV, because if I'm not occupying my brain, I'm crying.  I'm still pining for a purpose, for a task, for something to be good at, and I can't seem to get my life together without that.  I don't remember that last time I genuinely smiled.  My back is killing me all the time, and I'm so weak my walk to classes tires me out when I even go.  
I'm going to start piano again next semester, or at least I say I will, but who knows.  I need to be doing something, I just have NO idea what.  
Somehow, no matter how many fresh chances I get, I can't seem to get it right.  
I wish I knew what I was doing wrong all the time, I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to throw up.  
I haven't felt this bad since junior year of high-school.
I'm not trying to worry any-one, in fact, there's nothing to worry about.  I learned that lesson a long time ago.  

This is just a quick update cause I have so few friends I realized I need to keep in touch with my old ones.  And I'm tired of telling the same thing over and over again.  

I'll get it right eventually, I just wish one thing could be right. My health, Jeston, my school, my friends, my fun, just one.  

I was trying to think of the last time I was happy, for more than a couple weeks at a time and on vacation, and I realized it's been three years, three long long years.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  

More later.  Sorry it's been so long.  

5 remarks:

wifey said...

i'm going to say something cynical in the hope of making you laugh:

gotta find my purpose... before it's too late! (now envision princeton sliding down some boxes.)

this is in full acknowledgment that you are sad and i am sorry i can't be (haven't been) more there for you.

Anonymous said...

you are loved and someday you will find the purpose you seek.

Liva Kristine said...

oh darling...i'm so sorry.
i think it can be hard to find the right place, you know it's been hard for me. i know you've taken "time off" already but what if you did something serious and focussed where you WEREN'T doing school? might that help you? like camphill or something similar? i know that this year has already offered me so many opportunities for self-discovery, for personal inner striving, and for feeling for the first time in my life that i am doing something meaningful for others besides myself. might doing something like that help you find a purpose, and then maybe you would return to school renewed and stronger?
(one disclaimer, with the health thing, camphill is incredibly difficult work, but it might actually help you...)

Arianna said...

i think that you're a fabulous person, and i wish we were closer because i always love talking to you. advice from people younger than you can suck, but i'm hoping this doesn't. live doing what you're happiest doing, where you're happiest doing it, and with who you're happiest. sometimes there are shitty transitions, and if you're truly unhappy, it's a sign that something needs to change. maybe you should see someone? therapy always helped in the long run. anyway, i hope you can find some small joy and make it a larger joy. i love you!

Anonymous said...

How about an update? I hope things have improved for you. You describe classic symptoms of depression. Speaking from experience, depression can trap you in endless cycle that can be nearly impossible to see your way out of without help. Whatever your opinions of medication, if you had professional help and found the right medication, even on a temporary basis, it may allow you to break out of the cycle, step back and assess your situation without having to first claw through your way through the black clouds around you. At least consider it as a last resort if you find yourself in that frame of mind often.
I happened upon your blog by chance - and what I know about you already is that you are an intelligent, talented, and attractive person. Keep fighting and you will grow stronger.